It was a stifling hot day and a man fainted in the middle of a

busy intersection. Traffic quickly piled up in all directions,

and a woman rushed to help him. When she knelt down to loosen his

collar, a man emerged from the crowd, pushed her aside, and said,

"It's all right honey, I've had a course in first aid."

The woman stood up and watched as he took the ill man's pulse and

prepared to administer artificial respiration. At this point she

tapped him on the shoulder and said, "When you get to the part

about calling a doctor, I'm already here."

A taxi passenger tapped the driver on the shoulder to ask him a question.

The driver screamed, lost control of the car, nearly hit a bus, went up on the footpath, and stopped centimeters from a shop window.

For a second everything went quiet in the cab, then the driver said, "Look mate, don't ever do that again. You scared the daylights out of me!"

The passenger apologized and said, "I didn't realize that a little tap would scare you so much."

The driver replied, "Sorry, it's not really your fault. Today is my first day as a cab driver - I've been driving a funeral van for the last 25 years

The professor was listening to a student expound on Darwin's theory. "Darwin says we descended from monkeys. My grandfather may have been a gorilla," he informed the class, "but it doesn't worry me."

"Perhaps not," agreed the professor. "But it must have worried your grandmother."

An agitated patient was stomping around the psychiatrist's office, running his hands through his hair, almost in tears.

"Doctor, my memory's gone. Gone! I can't remember my wife's name.

Can't remember my children's names. Can't remember what kind of car I drive. Can't remember where I work. It was all I could do to find my way here."

"Calm down. How long have you been like this?"

"Like what?"

It was a stifling hot day and a man fainted in the middle of a busy intersection. Traffic quickly piled up in all directions, and a woman rushed to help him. When she knelt down to loosen his collar, a man emerged from the crowd, pushed her aside, and said,

"It's all right honey, I've had a course in first aid."

The woman stood up and watched as he took the ill man's pulse and prepared to administer artificial respiration. At this point she tapped him on the shoulder and said,

"When you get to the part about calling a doctor, I'm already here."

"My husband got angry last night and told me to go to the devil."

"What are you going to do about that?"

"I'm going straight home to mother."

A man dropped in to pay a friend an unexpected visit, and was amazed to find him playing chess with his dog. The man watched in silence for a minute, than said:

  "That's the most incredible dog I have ever seen in my life!"

  "Oh, he isn't so smart," was the answer. "I've beaten him three games out of four!"

"My wooden leg is giving me a lot of pain," sighed a patient at the doctor's.

"How can a wooden leg give you pain?" the doctor demanded.

"My wife hits me over the head with it."

Two men are driving through Texas when they get pulled over by a state trooper. The trooper walks up and taps on the window with his nightstick, the driver rolls down the window and WHACK! the trooper smacks him in the head with the stick.

The driver says, "What the heck was that for?"

The trooper says, "You're in Texas, son. When we pull you over, you better have your license ready when we get to your car."

The driver says, "I'm sorry, officer, I'm not from around here."

The trooper runs a check on the guy's license, and he's clean. He gives the guy his license back and walks around to the passenger side and taps on the window. The passenger rolls his window down, and WHACK! the trooper smacks him with the nightstick, too.

The passenger says, "What did you do that for?"

The trooper says, "Just making your wish come true."

The passenger says, "Huh?"

The trooper says, "I know that two miles down the road you're gonna say, 'I wish that jerk would've tried that bullshit with me.'"